The Lion King 3: Simba saves Santa
by StupidSequel
Summary: Simba is the chosen one to save Santa from a deadly virus that will kill him or else Christmas will not happen. In the sorta B plot, Kiara's sweet 16 party is ruined and she gets out of community service, only to be caught up in a demolition derby.


**The Lion King 3: Simba saves Santa**

It was Kiara's 16th birthday and she wanted a really great super sweet sixteen party. Simba and Nala didn't like what she was thinking of.

"I want to go into an upwalker den and dance to their crappy rap music. I wanna crash an upwalker party. Please?" Kiara gave them the sad puppy eyes. They call humans upwalkers.

'The answer is NO!" Simba roared. "I'd much rather you spend your birthday day at Mufasa's house! Upwalkers, er, humans, are dangerous. And I'm sure your grandfather would like to see you grow up, old enough to drive even. Few lions are as old as you. Go celebrate how I want you to." Kiara padded away from the Highrock, 'scuse me, _Pride_ Rock. (I read too much Warrior Cats, don't I? You are about to see whose POV the story is in 5...4...3...2...1...)

Simba awoke early next morning feeling sick.

"By jove! I think I have swine flu!" he chuckled. "Or is it anxiety? Who knows?" He began thinking about what Kiara said about her rite of passage into lionesshood. "Aw, screw it," he decided. "She has to learn that it's possible to be disappointed." Kiara came back with a note in her mouth. Simba took it and read it aloud.

"Dear Simba, if you don't give me the greatest birthday party ever, I will call a hit on you. You were right all along about Kovu. He is poison to your clan. He is evil and he shall kill you with a flesh eating virus. If you don't believe us, look to your left." Simba saw a skeleton of Nala beside him.

"Strange. I never saw that there before. Hmmm. There must be truth to this biological anomaly after all," Simba muttered to himself. He got a couple of leg bones and played a tune on Nala's skeleton like a glockenspiel to ease the emotional pain.

He rounded up Kiara, Kovu, and around maybe 300 of her other lion friends and took a journey to an urban development and had the party of her life in a ballroom in a hotel. They were dancing to rap and crunk core songs. Kiara opened one of her presents. It was a cell phone. She was feeling optimistic.

"It has a swimming pool!" Kiara said somberly (bad acting) while padding over to the courtyard. She was running around with a piece of chocolate cake in her mouth and padded over to the outdoor pool. "Luckily I got a bikini." She was having fun, swimming and doing front flips off the diving board in her bikini when she was greeted by a surprising figure. It was Mufasa.

"You should have spent your birthday at MY place like Simba and I proposed. You must be punished. Jebus, you're worse than Scar." Kiara was absolutely petrified at the thought of having her fun cut short. "You shall do community service. For HUMANS, which are also the most dangerous game. Also, stay away from the Dee Butcher E bar." Kiara pelted away faster than you can say . Simba was hiding behind a chair to make sure Kiara and her 300+ friends stayed out of trouble.

"Whew, I don't think she noticed me." he said. "Father, why are you sending my daughter on a dangerous mission of doing community service for humans?"

"Because she broke your code, so she must suffer MORE than you did so she learns. Capisce?" Mufasa said gruffly.

"I should go in HER place, Mufasa."

"But you haven't done anything wrong."

"Not yet at least." Simba went out to the pool and took a dump in it. "Did you see that?"

"Unfortunately, yes. Therefore you must be punished. Community service it is."

Simba didn't like his new job. While he was washing this old man's Mercedes Benz, he spotted Kovu near him.

"I know you crashed our party. And you know the soap you're using? That contains that flesh eating virus I mentioned earlier. Serves you right for looking over our shoulder every second! Mwahahahaha! See you later." Kovu padded over to the porch of the house next door and munched on cat food that was sitting out. A tortoiseshell cat was watching him and it hissed. Kovu hissed back.

Meanwhile, Kiara finally got her driver's license after failing 277 times. She got in her locomotive and drove on the expressway when a mini cooper car cut her off. She recognized the driver. It was Zira.

"Kiara, I challenge you to a demolition derby. Seeing as how I didn't technically die, I can still get revenge. You're dead, fothermucker! Did I really say that? Curse my verbal dyslexia!"

"Fine, but on one condition. We use the vehicles we're using right now."

"Oh crap," Zira said meekly. "Tomorrow at 8 o' clock sharp. Think you can make it?" Kiara nodded.

She drove onward in her locomotive away from downtown, wherever the interstate took her. She pulled off of the exit and looked at a huge neon sign that said "Dee Butcher E." She went inside, curious as to what she might find. She was even beginning to forget about her life near Pride Rock. She decided she liked human life better. The stench of alcohol was overpowering and she was mesmerized by all the colored pool balls bouncing around the pool tables.

"I'd like some beer please," Kiara told the bartender. When the bartender handed her the beer, she heard a muffled wailing sound coming from the restroom. Coincidentally, Kiara had to take a leak at that moment. When she opened the door to the womens' restroom, cause, ya know, Kiara is a female and females go in womens' restrooms. She peeked in one of the stalls and saw a skinny man wearing red clothing, tied up in chains, and duct tape over his mouth. She ripped the duct tape off of his mouth. He began to speak.

"I am Santa Clause and Christmas is in grave danger this year. Some unknown mob boss has genetically engineered a flesh eating virus to annihilate me so that I can't deliver anymore Christmas presents. Apparently this guy or gal really hates Christmas. But apparently his math was a little bit off when doing stoichiometric calculations for vaccines, so there was an explosion. I was caught in it and I am told that a middle aged male lion got some of it on him too. Everyone else in the world is vulnerable to this threat. So the next best thing he did was tying me up till I starve to death. I am not supposed to be super model thin. So anyway, this lion is our only hope." Kiara thought she knew who he was talking about. She remembered when Nala got infected by the virus but Simba didn't.

"I have to get back to my father and take that message to him. Otherwise there will be no Christmas this year," Kiara said those last words quietly. "That means no Nintendo Wii or Captains of Crush hand grippers."

She drove her locomotive all the way back to Pride Rock and looked all over for Simba, but couldn't find him. She then remembered that he had community service to do.

"Elephant dung! I should have been the one to do this community service, not him! I'm the one who chose to have a hotel party." She drove her locomotive back to the urban development and searched the seemingly endless grids of streets for any sign of Simba. She still had her cell phone that she got for her birthday, but what good would it do if she didn't know his number? So she was faced with a dilemma. She needed to find him so she could ask him his number so she could call him and ask where he is. (Is your brain broken yet?) She searched a quiet neighborhood where one of the houses had a full sized carnival in their backyard with looping and spinning rides and even a roller coaster. She saw Simba working on a looping ride that seemed to suffer downtime, getting black liquid on his paws and tinkering with a wrench.

"Simba, I need to talk to you. What is you cell phone number?" Simba whispered the number in her ear. She called him and his Under the Sea ring tone from The Little Mermaid went off. Simba answered it.

"Hi, it's Kiara. I need to know where you are so I can talk to you privately."

"I'm right here in this hot lady's backyard, working on this broken down looping ride. Mufasa, what are you doing here? LET GO OF ME..."

Kiara was too far away from him to do anything about it. Was Mufasa really evil enough to be the one who unleashed the flesh eating viruses? Kiara didn't think it was too likely, but then again she was born sometime after he died, so she never really knew him. (Wow, this story sure is a mind screw). She was too tired to try to chase Mufasa and it was 3 a.m. She would have to face Zira in the demolition derby in 5 hours. Or was it 17 hours? Kiara remembered with a pang that Zira didn't specify a.m. or p.m. so she'd have to pick one and hope she's correct.

When she woke up, it was 7:50. _I don't wanna be late. _Kiara climbed in her locomotive and drove as fast as possible to the expressway, where the showdown would take place. It turned out she was correct. Zira was in her mini cooper car. The referee held a checkered flag over his head. "3...2...1... GO!" The referee yelled. Zira drove her mini cooper full speed toward Kiara's locomotive. The locomotive easily shredded the mini cooper to bits. Zira was coughing up rainbows (I would have used blood if it wasn't for the stupid censors! Bleh!)

"Kiara is the winner!" the referee screamed in his microphone. He handed her a trophy that looked just like Thomas the Tank engine. Now Kiara needs to rescue Simba.

Simba was tied up in a laboratory. Mufasa was wearing a white lab coat, huge glasses, and latex gloves, and pouring chemicals out of one test tube and into another.

"You have the antidote and rumors have been floating around that you are the chosen one to save Christmas. Well, not while I'm around." Mufasa let out an evil laugh.

"What antidote?" Simba gasped.

"The one for the flesh eating virus that's been going around." Simba remembered when he was unaffected that time when Kovu put the virus in the soap when he was washing the old man's car and then when Nala got the flesh eating virus. "I can't allow Christmas to take place. Every Christmas you guys all go into upwalker dens and get presents. I tell you, upwalkers ARE dangerous. So the flesh eating virus shall annihilate ALL humans. But while we wait for that, I'm afraid I cannot allow Christmas to take place. I don't wanna lose my grand daughter to a poacher. As for you, Simba, you must die so that Kiara shall claim her punishment once again and you also shall NOT save Santa."

Meanwhile, Kiara was following Mufasa's scent trail and it led into a science lab of sorts. She saw two upwalkers playing cards.

"You win again, Jasper," one of the guys, a fat dude, said. "Our break is over. HEY, A SECURITY BREACH! Get her with the flesh eating virus! Stat!" The two guys got out a spray can and sprayed something like mace at Kiara. _If it wasn't for that stupid demolition derby, I could have slipped by before break time was over. _Everything went black.

At the end of the hall, Mufasa did more mixing of chemicals, this time really, really trying to make sure his stoichiometry was correct so there wouldn't be another explosion.

"I have prepared an anti-antidote. When I spray you with this, I will then infect you with the flesh eating virus and take out Christmas! Hahaha! And I'd better hurry cause it's December 21." This may or may not be that important, but in this sequel, the year is 2012. Simba caught a glimpse of Kiara's skeleton at the far end of the hallway. _Flesh eating virus. If they really are that, then..._ He had an idea.

"Any last requests before I kill you?" Mufasa asked in a threatening tone.

"Yes. Lots of duct tape. Lay it on the floor, sticky side up on the floor. And could you massage my body with prune lotion?" Mufasa was confused by his strange requests, but he obeyed without question.

After he laid hundreds of duct tape strips on the floor and massaged Mufasa in prune lotion, he applied the anti-antidote and then the virus. Simba crossed whatever lions have that are equivalent to fingers and then his pelt started to disappear, revealing his innards. And then his skeleton slid out of the chair, through the chains and onto the duct tape. Since the virus ate _prune _lotion, well, Simba's pelt just rocketed out of the virus's body and onto the duct tape. The momentum from the virus's loose bowel movements allowed Simba's pelt to stick to the duct tape in such a way as to reconstruct his body exactly how it was before. What luck! Now that Simba was free, he went over to Kiara's skeleton to smell it just to make sure it was no one he knew. _I can't let Mufasa know that his granddaughter is __dead. _He stole a microscope from one of the bio labs and searched every nook and cranny for the virus. While searching his family's DNA samples, he noticed some info that if Kiara was alive, she would not take well. He finally spotted the virus near a nuclear physics lab. He put the bottle of prune lotion in the microwave for 5 minutes. About 90 seconds later, the walls were literally all covered with the brown gooey lotion. The virus crapped out Kiara's pelt. He duct taped Kiara's pelt on his own and walked back in Mufasa's lab.

"Oh Kiara, I've missed you," then Mufasa added in a harsher tone, "Why have you been letting Simba take over your community service?"

"But you also told him to-"

Mufasa cut "Kiara" off with, "I remember he did nothing wrong. He did not need to do community service. So you must continue your community service, and by 'continue,' I mean 'START ON IT'" Simba with Kiara's pelt on rushed outside the lab and into the neighborhoods, doing the rest of the community service. _Now's my chance. _He went over to the bar and into the restroom and chewed off the chain that Santa was tied up in.

"Thank you, but if I'm as slim as a supermodel, people won't recognize me." Simba and Santa went to a library computer lab and went on the "this is why you're fat" website. Santa thought everything on there looked tasty.

Santa enjoyed a mug made of bacon, a cheeseburger with grilled cheese sandwiches for buns, and cherpumple pie for dessert (a cherry pie, an apple pie, and a pumpkin pie combined and stacked together). He ate this same meal everyday and gained 295 pounds in 2 weeks, just in time for Christmas. (It would have been four days, but since Santa is a time lord, the time waited for him to give out presents. How generous!) From now on, just to make it easier, I shall refer to Simba as Kiara since he will never take off her pelt.

Kiara and Kovu spent Christmas at Mufasa's den and opened their presents. Kiara got a Wii and a Captains of Crush hand gripper. Kovu got an mp3 player, a Rubik's cube, and a workout DVD.

"I forgot, there are no upwalkers here, and you mentioned that you were gonna spend Christmas here anyway? I guess there was no need for the flesh eating virus. Boy, am I dumb!"

Later that day Kiara gave birth to a male lion cub. (Keep in mind that I'm still talking about Simba with Kiara's pelt on him). They named him Crapfina.

"Kiara, I'm sorry I gave your father the flesh eating virus with that soap. I just got so upset that he would be that protective." Kiara saw her chance.

"Well, he's your father too, you know. You didn't know we're both kin, did you?"


End file.
